As a girl, I was brought up knowing there was God, and Jesus was a man who was His Son. You can forget about the Holy Spirit. My family and I rarely went to church, and I was glad. I really disliked going the few times we did. I thought the services boring, too routine, and stale.
As I grew up, I had a lot of pain, and God was definitely far from my mind. My father was an alcoholic, as was his mother, and many of the hurts I had came from that time. The effect on my family was horrifying - one can never really understand what it’s like unless they grew up in a similar situation. I grew to hate my father for splitting apart our family, for him and his parents putting us through so much and the ugly divorce that followed.
I moved to a new school the year following the divorce, where I not only dealt with being the new girl, but also having both of my cats I’d had since I was a baby put to sleep due to cancer, having to lose my best friend, and having my heart broken brutally in the span of 3 years.
By then I had begun to put a wall up around myself, as I had begun to only depend on myself - everyone else had let me down. I subconsciously distanced myself from God, worried He might do the same, and questioned what good could possibly come out of so much pain.
When I reached freshman year, my self-esteem was practically non-existent.
By this time, I had grown my ideal of who God was, and clung to it ferociously. I developed an intense dislike of the “zealous” Christians (and became disdainful of the Chargers for Christ) who were on fire for God and had any different black/white views other than mine, which ranged in a million nuances. I felt embarrassed for them and their passion.
That year, I also became very lonely and waged war on myself for not being what I felt I needed to be: thin, beautiful, smart and popular. I started throwing food away, and swayed from piling on makeup to swearing it off altogether more times than I can count.
I fell into a deep depression that almost no one knew about because I tried so hard to mask it with a smile. I felt like any control I had over my life was slipping out of my hands.
I was love starved, though I didn’t know it at the time. I searched for it in so many places: family, friends, significant others, academic honors and character awards…all couldn’t fill up something that I knew was missing.
I remember getting to the point where I would cry on the way to school as suicidal thoughts filled my mind. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t know how to stop hurting.
Constant rejection, apathy and betrayal shattered my confidence, and felt that because I was a teenager no one would take me seriously.
I felt like giving up.
When I found out I was moving to a new town the following summer, I became numb. I was so tired at this point that anything else couldn’t have fazed me.
One day, my new stepfather who was very spiritual, encouraged us to start looking for a church in our new home.
I really didn’t want to.
The last thing I needed was religion – I had my own idea who God was and I didn’t need anyone to tell me how to think.
On the way to one church, I remember being in the backseat when I was overcome with a wave of loneliness and self-loathing. I felt a weird urge to pray. For the first time in years, I spoke from the bottom of my heart and not just a banal prayer like I usually prayed: “Dear God, please take away this pain…I’m hurting so bad, Lord…please…”
I sat in the backseat as I cried out silently from my soul: the soul of an angry, broken, bitter, jaded and cynical girl who just wanted to go home.
As I walked into church, I stopped a few steps inside. There, on the stage, was a girl singing “Stand in the Rain” – a song I knew by heart.
All at once, I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulders, and all the anger, resentment and doubt I had melt away as tears filled my eyes.
As I listened, I felt like God was speaking to me: speaking in words of love and encouragement as His warmth wrapped around me like a heavenly hug. I wept like a child, overwhelmed by the fierceness of a love I never thought I’d know.
“So stand in the rain, stand your ground…stand up when it’s all crashing down, so stand through the pain, you won’t drown….and one day what’s lost can be found…”
That day, I did find what had been lost: the love of God. I realized in the months to follow that it wasn’t a religion, as most of the Church had made it out to be, but a relationship with Jesus Christ.
It was very difficult to become who He wanted me to be, as I discovered in being His disciple that one must give up everything (as it says in Scripture)…including my previous thoughts and opinions I had that did not align with His Word. I wrestled with that for a long time before I surrendered to Him completely and trusted Him. Because I knew He loves me, I could trust Him with my doubts and moral questions of life knowing He knows more than I ever will.
I can honestly say, my life has been nothing but better since my walk with Christ and getting to know His heart. I wouldn’t go back for anything, because He is my everything.
This video is for those who are in need of a touch..
“Of all the Earth and sky above, you’re the one He loved madly enough to die.” <3
He loves you. He is crazy about you…and He knows you’re absolutely beautiful, no matter who you are or what you have done. All of that can be erased by His love. (1 John 1:7)
Jesus loves with all His heart with no strings attached. Forever.
Nothing can separate you from His love. (Romans 8:38-39)
If you would like to receive Jesus Christ as your Savior and invite Him into your heart to have an eternal relationship with Him, you can pray this prayer (or something similar along these lines):
“Dear Jesus,I believe You are the Son of God and that You gave Your life as a payment for the sins of mankind. I believe You rose from the dead and You are alive today in Heaven preparing a place for those who trust in You. I have not lived my life in a way that honors You. Please forgive me for my sins and come into my life as Savior and Lord. Help me grow in knowledge and obedience to You.Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for giving me eternal life. Amen.”
I wish you many blessings, dear reader. If there is anything I can do for you, (such as answering questions or hugs or prayers) please let me know…it will be my pleasure. God bless you. <3